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This page contains the archived quotes of The Hormone Monstress. The Hormone Monstress, whose real name is Connie, has appeared in 7 episodes total. She was absent in "Ejaculation", "Pillow Talk", and "Requiem for a Wet Dream". She is voiced by actress, singer, and comedian, Maya Rudolph.


Season 1

Everybody Bleeds

  • "Hello my precious, little ravioli."
  • "I am The Hormone Monstress!"
  • "But you'll have to make some changes, dumpling. For instance, what the fuck is this?"
  • "Listen to me! You wanna shoplift lipstick! You wanna listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts! You wanna scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!"
  • "Because I don't use deodorant and I only take bubble baths."

Am I Gay?

Sleepover: A Harrowing Ordeal of Emotional Brutality

  • ♪ Popular girls, walkin' down the hallway, flat iron hair, callin' the fuckin' shots ♪
  • Of course you do! Everybody wants to be friends with Devin. She's the queen bee. And you want that honey. Buzzz..."
  • "And I'm sorry I made you say that stuff. I just wanted you to be p-popular (starts crying) and have flat ironed hair and caaaalllll the fuckin' shots!" (sobbing)

Girls Are Horny Too

  • "You tell Shannon that you do not want nice. You want two scoops of Hagan Dazs French-vanilla boobies."
  • "Of course, pickle-rino. If ya need me I'll be in the bubble bath watching Dr. Drew Pinsky. He looks like a sexy turtle."

The Head Push

  • "Yeah! (throws alcohol bottle on the ground) The hormones in this house are goin' bananas cream puddin'! Maury? Maury, I changed my mind..."
  • "Hey Maury! You can keep ya dicks at my apartment! I'll give you your own dick drawer! (runs into a coffee table) Ow! Fuck you, coffee table!"

I Survived Jessi's Bat Mitzvah

  • "Burn the house to the ground! Use the boxy dress as kindling!"
  • "She should shut the fucchk up."
  • "Yes, you can! You are a woman now. And this is what women do. We suck up all the bullshit that the world dumps up on us and keep smiling through it all in our BOXY ASS DRESSES!"
  • "Now stick your pinky in his toffee colored tushie!"