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PROLOUGE

[Opens to Bridgeton Middle School in Sex-Ed.]

Video: As puberty begins, hormones are released and the sexual organs begin to change. The uterus is the center of female reproductive activity...
Andrew: The uterus? I thought girls had vaginas.
Nick: I thought that, too, but I guess they don't.
Andrew: Maybe 'vagina' is, like, slang.
Hormone Monster: Did somebody say "vagina"?
Andrew: Oh, no, no, no. Not now.
Hormone Monster: Fuck yeah, now!
[laughing as he bursts from Andrew's desk]
Andrew: Go away. You are not real. You're just some hormone monster my brain created.
[Andrew closes his desk]
Hormone Monster: If I'm not real, then how come I'm sending blood to your sweet penis right now?
Andrew: [groaning] Come on.
Video: The ovaries release the egg, then travel down the Fallopian tube.
Hormone Monster: "Fallopian." What a savory word. Describes exactly what it is, you know what I mean?
Andrew: Okay, I should tell you, this is school and we need boundaries.
Hormone Monster: If you want me to go away, you know what you have to do.
Andrew: [sighs] Jerk off--
Hormone Monster: Jerk off, yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly. Let's go to the bathroom and climax into that thin toilet paper.

Andrew: [groans]
Jessi: How come in all these videos puberty for boys is like the miracle of ejaculation and for girls we're just a yarn ball of aching tubes?
Nick: Ew, that's gross.
Jessi: Yeah, exactly. And that's why we need equal pay.
Jay: My dad says when you take into account materinity leave, you do get equal pay.
Jessi: Your dad's a scumbag DUI attorney.
Jay: Yeah, and he makes bank.
Matthew: Too bad he can't afford tweezers for that unibrow.
Jay: [screaming] SHUT UP, MATTHEW!
Hormone Monster: Come on, come on, come on! Wheels up in 30 seconds.
Andrew: [raises hand] Ms. Kazan, can I please go to the bathroom, please?
Hormone Monster: If you don't get out of here right now, we're gonna "Jackson Pollack" all over your pants.
Andrew: Who?
Hormone Monster: He's a famous abstract expressionist.
Andrew: [gets up] Oh god, oh my god..

Missy: I'll take notes for you, Andrew.